Corporate Affairs

Respectful communication is an art form. Whether it be required under the banner of leadership, between business partners, life partners, colleagues or friends.In most human interactions there are often two balls at play.

One is called “our relationship”; the other is entitled “what I want”. Inevitably, and at regular points in a relationship the sway is affected by what one, or both, or either party desires.

Respectful communication is an art form. Whether it be required under the banner of leadership, between business partners, life partners, colleagues or friends.

In most human interactions there are often two balls at play. One is called “our relationship”; the other is entitled “what I want”. Inevitably, and at regular points in a relationship the sway is affected by what one, or both, or either party desires.

This may be as simple as choosing, between going to a movie, as opposed to going out for dinner. It may be as complex as, negotiating about working hours, leave, or compensation.

How much easier would life be, if all people were, skilled communicators and resolution focused?

The ability for women to communicate constructively, is a combination of many criteria.

Firstly, it is affected by how people view conflict and what they believe around conflict.
Some people are driven to win at all costs. This behaviour stems from growing up with internalized messages such as: “ First place is the only place!; If you do not win, you are a nobody.” Others may be pleasers and sublimate their own needs consistently. Such people have a belief,  that they cannot get what it is they require, from a relationship, without threatening, damaging or loosing the relationship in question.

Both of these extreme communication styles have negative consequences. The person who needs to win at all costs will hurt, betray and disappoint people and will be unable to sustain healthy relationship patterns in their lives, becoming angrier, and more resentful as time moves along. The person who suppresses their own needs, for an indeterminate period of time, will ultimately feel resentful, and may display passive-aggressive behaviours and sabotage their relationship, in this manner.

A primary departure point in relating assertively is knowing what one’s rights are.
These run the gambit from: simply saying no!, to having time alone, to respect from others, to asking for more time, to declaring what you want or need, to knowing what is best for the self, to making mistakes, to being competitive.

Although communication skills in general are a minefield the skill of assertiveness is surprisingly easy to understand, if not always implement appropriately and timeously.
The skill itself consists of three elements, exercised in a specific order. These skills, in order are, empathy, self disclosure and a constructive future plan.

Empathy, means letting the person know that you have heard and understood them,
Self disclosure, means saying what you think and feel, clearly,
And lastly, a constructive future plan entails, suggesting and pursuing a win win solution for both parties.

The range of applications, for the assertiveness skill, is endless.
I recently shared a meal with a prominent gentleman, whom as he escorted me to my car said: “My dear; you are an intellect, despite the way you are packaged!” What would an assertive response have been in this situation?
“Sir, you may be intent on paying me a compliment and I can appreciate that, ( empathy),however I experience what you are saying, as condescending ( self – disclosure),and in order for our future working relationship to be optimal, I would greatly appreciate it, if you would not demean me as a woman.”(constructive future plan.)

There are times to be assertive and times to use alternative skills. These exist on a continuum of intensity. Agreeing to disagree is quite superficial; placating may suggest an attempt to let the subject go. Convincing involves the inclusion of factual data to prove one’s case. When it becomes obvious that damage will be done if a conversation is to continue, may I suggest that the strategy of “respectful retreat.” be utilized. This may take the form of a simple “Please excuse me, I have just realized that I am due at another meeting.”

A word of warning however; In this day and age of personal rights and immediate gratification, I make a plea for respect for others, and sensitivity to others rights. It is natural when learning a new skill that there is a sway from one extreme to another, such as from, passivity to aggressiveness. It is also natural that when one is disappointed in life or people, that one becomes more determined to assert one’s own rights, defend one’s boundaries and live life on one’s own terms. However one needs to retain respect for people, as different from oneself, being deserving of rights, equal to one’s own. Should one loose this sensitivity. then self care, does indeed, become selfishness.

Dr Renate Volpe
Renate@HIRS.co.za
011 455 0769