Guest Author

We all know the warm and fuzzy feeling when women give something from the heart. But we also know that sometimes it's hard to give; that we give reluctantly or without emotion.

Giving is not always motivated by love and generosity. Sometimes we give out of fear: think of sacrifices to appease the gods, or paying protection money. Often, we give out of a sense of duty, or guilt, or because we want other people to appreciate and admire us.

Giving can be a form of control: 'I'll give you what I think you should have, because I know what's best for you.' People who give conditionally are very annoyed when they don't get the return they expect. 'After all I've done for you, this is the thanks I get!' they complain.

Sometimes, with the best of intentions, we give something that bypasses a learning experience that the recipient was supposed to have. Parents who indulge their child and don't require him to lift a finger are giving a comfortable life, but they are denying him the skills he needs to cope in the real world and be able to fend for himself. It's not wrong to give a hungry person a fish, but give him the fishing rod too, so that he can have the dignity of being able to provide for himself.

Every time you give, ask yourself if the quality or energy behind the act is pure. We should give unconditionally, because we care about a cause, because we want to give something back to the system that benefited us, or because it is simply the right thing to do.

Often the greatest gifts are in the form of time and expertise. You don't have to be rich, clever or famous to make the most of your life or to contribute something of value. You just have to acknowledge your talents and your area of service to the world around you. Your gift may be simple: to be a good friend, to make people laugh, to nurture, teach, think, lead or create.

Deepak Choopra writes: 'Everyone has a purpose in life; a unique gift or special talent. When we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals.'

But there must be a balance between giving and receiving. If you only give, you run the risk of surrounding yourself with needy, dependent people; if you only receive, you are never challenged to learn and grow. When you find your area of contribution and give abundantly, you will experience the joy of giving and the rewards of a sense of rightness, meaning and purpose.

If you had access to all the resources in the world, who would you like to give to?
What would you like to give?
Why would you give it?
How would it make you feel to give it?
How would it make the other person feel to receive it?
Would your gift be empowering for that person?
Is there a different gift that you should give that might actually be more useful?

This is the third of five columns in which Cape Town-based writing coach and journal-writing facilitator, Catherine Eden (info@cathyeden.co.za or www.cathyeden.co.za) offers questions for you to mull over, quietly, privately and without self-judgement.