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How to Help Your Partner To Help Yourself


More often than not it has been articulated humorously that “there is more than one way to the cookie jar.” “The cookie jar” to most children is symbolic of something that they really desire but have to get the approval of either parent to partake of and savor the addictive taste and aromas of a soft and delious cookie.

If that is the case with a child, what about the male’s interaction with the female? We as adults in relationships understand undoubtedly that there is always and will forever be “reciprocity” within the confines of a relationship. We are placed in each other’s lives to be a great service and help to each other.

Especially within committed relationships such as those of married couples. In a marriage and/or committed relationship between two people, there are certain expectations that each person has of each other. Whether it is the responsibility of both parties to maintain viable employment to equally contribute to the financial structure of the household, or whether each person actively participates in selected chores and responsibilities around the house, or the overwhelming load of child-rearing, everyone has their roles to play and the home functions well when everyone is an “active participant.”

On the other hand, if the couple involved is not helping “bear the load” and shoulder the responsibilities that come with having careers, financial responsibilities and raising children, then, this can cause a downward spiral in the relationship. For example, I know many women who are either successful career women and/or mothers who stay at home, who all have the same complaints of their partners not helping share the load of the children or the responsibilities around the house. Women need help from their partners! Men often complain that their wives or partners are not fully “present” sexually and I would say to that, “I wonder why?” It is not that the woman is disinterested in her partner, or not finding him attractive or appealing, it is because all of her energy have been completely depleted through an overwhelming day of work, children, and housework!

It is very difficult for any women, or person in general, to get their mind and body focused on sex when they are physically, emotionally and psychologically drained. Or as Collins suggests, “Mutually pleasurable sexual intercourse takes physical and mental energy. It also takes a relaxed, unhurried attitude that is not generally concerned about time (“Christian Counseling-A Comprehensive Guide” By: Gary Collins, pg.268).” We as human beings need time to relax and regain our “equilibrium” and we can’t do that without the help and aid of each other in the relationship.

As we already know women are emotional creatures. It takes our “whole” selves to partake in the overall “love making” process. Men, on the other hand, are visual creatures and stimuli comes from the physical senses! People always talk about how different men and women are and because of those differences, it makes it hard for them to relate to each other. I agree that we are different and have been created differently in many ways in terms of our cognitive thinking and processes. Although that is the case, it takes two people that are willing and able to work together to be able to make a relationship work.

Let’s go back to the “cookie jar” illustration from earlier. Again, reciprocity is key! If you are complaining as a man that your partner isn’t actively involved in the love making process and desire more from her as a whole, why not make it your obligation to assist her more around the house or with the kids? After all, cleaning and taking care of the children isn’t “women’s work” but rather a couple’s responsibility as a whole! Your partner will greatly appreciate your efforts and sacrifice.

Women, don’t forget either, that as your mate is making sacrifices to cater to your needs and make you feel better and more at ease, why not go beyond “what is the norm,” and do something special for him and that will cater to his physical senses. Why not, prepare a scrumptious meal for him, create a calming and sexual atmosphere in the bedroom through wonderful fragrances, soothing music and various other “sexual treats.” Prepare him a wonderful and soothing bath to relax mind and body, of course with you in the bath tub with him and after spending much needed time together, allow him time to relax and if he chooses to communicate, good!, if not, no pressure! This is an opportunity to just cater to his needs and make him feel special because men like that too, you know!

In the overall scheme of things, if both male and female learn the value of reciprocity in a relationship, no one will have to worry about their needs not being met.  Help each other to help yourselves!

By: Jennifer Workman

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